A little less reverb

As I gave up on my #reverb10 posts 2 weeks ago, I promised myself that I wouldn’t quit without at least posting an explanation of why. You’ll see from the dates on my posts that, despite starting 2010 with the best of blogging intentions, my enthusiasm soon waned (as ever, with the introduction of more fleshy pursuits to occupy my time and interest).

I came late to the #reverb10 party, and it seemed like a good excuse to get back into a writing frame of mind, as well as a way of breaking down what was going to be a monolithic “looking back at 2010″ post into more manageable and focused pieces. I don’t begrudge that process – I wanted to get back into writing and I had things that I wanted to say. My problem was that I felt I was saying more than I wanted, and the end result was of benefit to no-one – I was harping on about stuff that I didn’t really want to write about, and some poor sod was having to read it. I’m not the greatest believer in self-analysis and writing-as-therapy, and I’m afraid I found the Reverb prompts far too focused towards getting people to write about their problems or their bad experiences, or – and this is the worst of the lot – try to write about what a beautiful person they are, and how they bring light into other people’s lives. Sorry, but that was hippy-dippy shit then and it remains hippy-dippy shit now.

Anyway, that’s my explanation done with. Thanks, #reverb10, for giving me the metaphorical kick-up-the-arse that I needed to start posting again, but if I want to spend my time harping on about my problems, I’ll be doing it off my own back in the future.

#reverb10 Day 13 – Action

When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

I’ve already touched on what I’m aiming for in 2011, and I’m an old-hand at making grand gestures and sweeping statements of intention at the end of one year or the beginning of the next. To that end, my “action plan” to make my intentions happen is nothing. Well, not nothing, but certainly more in the “keep calm and carry on” mould. I don’t have a plan because the things I want to achieve are quite general and not of the “do x to get to y” variety.

The more I work through #reverb10, much as I found the earlier prompts interesting and they helped clarify some things that I was already thinking, they’re clearly being written (or at least picked) by someone who thinks in a very different way to me, and that’s not making them easy.

#reverb10 Day 12 – Body Integration

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

Oh I don’t know, after a particularly satisfying wank?

Seriously, who writes shit like this? There are going to be two types of answer to this prompt, one from people who indulge in dangerous sports, along the lines of “I’ve never felt so ALIVE!!!1″, and one from people who are experiencing or have experienced body image issues.

Neither of these apply to me, so I choose to move on.

#reverb10 Day 11 – 11 Things

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

Bloody hell, 11? Really? Do you think I have nothing better to do on a Saturday night than…yeah, OK, fair point.

1. The 10 pounds of “bulk” (I can think of no better word) that I seem to have acquired since I moved up North. The gym is not the answer – I’ve tried that this year. I need to exercise more (I’m now walking 5 miles a day so that’s a big tick right there), and eat better. I’ve done it before, I can do it again.
2. Sloth. Perhaps that’s a tad dramatic; if the prompt was worded differently then I would say I want to become more disciplined. I’m terrible for coming up with things I want to do but finding excuses not to do them. It’s a common fault but, if I were to acutally get off my lazy arse and do half the things that I want to achieve, I’d find my time filling up pretty fast. Also, see above.
3. Self-doubt. I don’t actually mean that; I just can’t think of the correct term. There was a time, quite a long time ago now, when I had all the bucket-loads of confidence in the world. I knew what my strengths were, I knew that I could get on well with people and that, in general, I was popular. Even when I was at school I was “popular”. Not in the “Ferris Bueller, coolest kid in school” kind of a way, but I wasn’t particularly shunned by anyone and, at that age, I think that’s pretty much the best you can hope for. Anyway, sometime over the intervening 15-or-so years, that confidence morphed into arrogance; the lack of any negative influences turned into not caring what people thought, and the ease with which popularity came turned into a need to please all of the people, all of the time. (I realise that those last two are a little contradictory but that’s been part of the problem.) In short, I became a mess. The worst part is that I can’t identify a reason for this transformation, which makes undoing it all the more difficult. I am trying, and I am succeeding. If I can completely lose this in 2011, then losing the first two will be a breeze.

Do you know what? I think that’s it. There are lots of things I’d like. I know that, in general, I’m lucky in terms of having good friends, a nice place to live, a reasonably secure and well-paid job, and I don’t ask for much. Well, I don’t ask for anything really. I’m trying hard to break away from sitting around wishing “things” were better, and moving towards a position of actually doing something about whatever it is that I’m not happy with. Attempting to complete this list has been an education in realising how good things are, and how much worse they could be.

#reverb10 Day 10 – Wisdom

What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

Note: Don’t miss a few days of #reverb10 and decide to catch up when it starts getting all serious. THAT’S not a wise decision.

I think I’ve already documented in an ealier post what the biggest decision I made this year was: don’t move back to London, stay here and move teams. How did it play out? Undecided. As I’ve also already said, I’m working to get my life back on track up here but I’m not “there” just yet. A significant way towards “there” (wherever “there” might be), but definitely with a way to go. I’ve met great people, I’ve got involved in great things. There’s a lot of potential for the next year, and I fully intend to grab onto it and see where it takes me.

Other decisions were less-life changing, although perhaps more dramatic in the more immediate term. I won’t catalogue them here. They’re mostly resigned to history now, as any after-effects have well and truly passed. I’ll put my hand up and admit that I don’t regret any of them, but I concede that some things could have been done differently. C’est la vie, eh?

#reverb10 Day 9 – Party

What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

As I’ve already established, the previous 18 months had seen me in pretty much self-imposed exile from The Outside World so, and I’m aware that this is a bit of a cop-out because it’s true, I’m going to have to say every party that I went to this year rocked my socks off in one way or another.

Off the top of my head I can think of Teawitters 1 and 4, Mr & Mrs @smescrater’s bonfire night party, @texansteve’s board games night (where it was conclusively proved that Jenga is better than any board game), and and any number of for-no-reason-whatsoever “tweetups” (for want of a better word – I don’t do ‘tweetups’, I just meet people I know). Each one of those has been a step back towards remembering what it’s like to have a social life, and a – and I’m using this word advisedly – humbling reminder of what it’s like to just coexist around nice people.

Footnote: I’m overusing the word “nice” a lot in these posts. As descriptive words go, it doesn’t really convey much, but I’m using it deliberately because of its simplicity. If there’s one thing that I’m going to take away from 2010 it’s that “it’s nice to be nice”. Again, a simplistic and quite insipid phrase, but simple’s the point at which I’m starting from, so in this context it works for me.

#reverb10 Day 8 – Beautifully Different

Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

I’m not going to answer this one. Not directly anyway. There are any number of ways that this could have been phrased, without the hippy-dippy bullshitness of making yourself ‘beautiful’ or ‘lighting people up’. I see what the prompt is trying to do, but I don’t like the way in which it’s phrased. Sometimes what makes us different isn’t beautiful; it’s ugly and it’s painful and it’s precisely the kind of thing that doesn’t light people up.

#reverb10 Day 7 – Community

Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I’ve met some fantastic people this year, mostly via Twitter. In fact, I’m now at the point where I’m trying to keep my twitter followers/followees down to people I’ve met or am likely to meet. I’ve been through my “talking to people on the Internet” phase, and it’s ultimately empty and unfulfilling. See also: Internet dating. Been there, done that, said I wouldn’t do it again. Did it again, remembered why I didn’t want to.

So, in a way, 2010 has been all about community for me. I have a social life, I’ve rediscovered what my place in the social fabric is and, barring the odd wobble, it all seems to be working. Most people are good people, and it’s nice to be one of the good people. It’s taken a while, but I’m slowly getting my head around that.

#reverb10 Day 6 – Make

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

I’m a frustrated musician. Frustrated because I used to be able to play better than I can, and because I want to create my own music and can’t. Much like writing, when faced with a blank canvas, my mind absorbs the blankness and my creativity disappears out of the window.

Earlier in the year my Dad’s band (60′s instrumentals covers. Available for weddings, bar mitzvahs etc.) were on the lookout for some new material and I pulled one of my “I’m feeling manically creative, let’s stay up all night and do something” all-nighters and made a demo for them; an arrangement of a John Barry piece called Movieola. It’s not the most accomplished demo I’ve ever produced, but it reminded me that I AM good at that stuff, and with enough practice, the results are pretty passable, considering my “bedroom studio” ability.

I’d add a link to it but, in addition to the writer’s block, I’m also a pain-in-the-ass perfectionist and it’s not finished.

#reverb10 Day 5 – Let Go

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

Oh boy.

In May I let go of my Grandma. Strictly speaking the mother of my Stepdad, but a Grandma to me in every way possible, so let’s leave that at that. She struggled through advancing breast cancer and diabetes without telling a soul, determined not to put people out or interrupt her quality of life. It was only when the outwardly physical symptoms became undeniable that we found out and she was still determined, for her own reasons, to see it through with as little medical intervention as possible. She knew she was dying in January, when they offered her aggressive chemotherapy and she said no. She knew she was dying, and she wasn’t going to spend her last months incapacitated by drugs. She went into the hospice for respite after a nasty attack, but we knew she wasn’t coming out. She knew that as well, but you’d never have guessed. Her room was never empty from people coming to visit. They came from everywhere. Everywhere. America, Holland, people she hadn’t seen in years drove through the night from down South when they found out what was happening. Children of old friends travelled especially to meet her. I could never have conceived how one person could touch so many lives in such a lasting way.

At very turn, when we were told “it won’t be long now”, she clung on. Not until she had finalised all her affairs, planned her own memorial service, seen everyone it was possible for her to see and tried on the engagement ring that my brother was about to propose to his girlfriend with did she slip away. Even then what would normally have taken hours, she kept going for 3 days. In the end, letting go was a relief. Painful, yes, but a relief nonetheless.

I let someone else go too, but that’s not for here.